He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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