So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
