Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
