I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
