I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
