A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
When are your genitals available?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
