he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
