Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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