Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
