gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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