I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
