just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
40s are totally the cure
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
