I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
high people should be assigned attendants
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
