My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
