That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
