Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
