You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
