he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
