I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
