Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
even my farts smell like vagina
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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