Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
