I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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