What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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