btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
