His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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