our cab driver is having phone sex.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
