I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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