Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just gargled with NyQuil
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize