you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
