I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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