I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
