At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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