apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
