Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
