i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
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