Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
