I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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