Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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