Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Fuck appropriateness.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
