i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
