I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
