My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
