I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
