the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize