Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
