Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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