The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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