It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
