youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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