who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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