who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
