What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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