Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
