Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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