I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
