Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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