I wanna bring you to show and tell
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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