We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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