So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
