sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
