Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize