I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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