That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The convent might be a nice break from real life
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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