i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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